Fatherhood

What does it mean to be a Father?
I hoped to God it meant more
than to Father a bright eyed family
only to leave a Father-sized hole in the broken heart of a boy.
A boy who just wanted to be like his dad
Had suddenly added a long list of bad characteristics to an already compromised character.
Are all fathers just deserters?
Is this boy destined to destroy and continue the desperate cycle of deserting daddies?

Maybe you haven’t figured it out yet
Though I’m willing to bet
You have.
I’m that boy and this is a piece of my story
May it bless you, to God be the glory.

I was a train wreck of pent up pain
Wrecking my life while praying “in Jesus name”
Every day felt like a drenching rain
Of anger, hate, and pain.
I was going nowhere fast
And in my mind there was one man to blame.
The dad I had grown to despise so much
That all I wanted to do was take aim,
And fire all the hate I had been feeling
At the stained glass window pane.

You see I blamed both of my fathers for this.
I had become disoriented and gave into the hiss
Of the enemy in my ear that told me God wanted this.
My kid mind was casually convinced that Christ must hate me.
For years and years I let the lies whisper in my ears and bait me
Into believing that unforgiveness was hurting them and not me.

But I had a heavenly Father.
A Father full of mercy and grace and abounding in loving kindness.
A father who was locked in a desperate race with the sole goal of saving the human race.
God met me in the darkest place.
He reached out to completely fill the empty space
In my heart, I still had a long way to go,
But the light in my soul began to grow.

After five years of brokenness,
I discovered the power of forgiveness
My hunger for God began to erupt and bloom
Like a flower in spring I opened my mind towards the son to soak up every drop of light.
I finally began to feel whole but my view of fathers still wasn’t right.
I was still emotionally closed
But I slowly let my nerves be exposed.

I opened myself to God and he proved himself to me.
He proved himself trustworthy, and he carried me in perfect security.
He showed me that he was there in the midst of it all.
In every soul tearing situation, God was holding me like a rag doll.
He cradled me in his arms and called me son.
He didn’t do it because He’d be recognized for what He’d done.
He did it out of love and affection.
Without God, I would have had no sense of direction.

You see fathers are lovers, teachers, and preachers.
They guide their kids towards God and they cheer them on from the bleachers.
Fathers fight for the fragile and fend off fear.
Even when our dad’s fail us, we have another father and He’s here.
He’s present with you and he delights in your joy.
He loves to hear your dreams and He employs
Angels on your behalf to protect and keep you safe.
He knows every hair on your head and wipes the tears from your face.

THIS is fatherhood.

You see, to be fatherly, is to be like God.
He was the first father,
He is your present father,
And no matter what, He will always be your father.

By Ryan, DTS Student

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